I don't feel crazy anymore.

Well, that's not entirely true.

I still have my moments when I am too tired to see straight, my to-do list is so long I refuse to write it down, and I could use 5 seconds of alone time.

But overall...life with two kids is starting to feel normal.

A LOT has happened in the past six weeks.  It's been a very wild ride! 

• My job ended, hopefully just for the summer.

• We went to Chicago to spend time with my family. Twice. 

• Carson is no longer a newborn and he's on somewhat of a schedule since I've sleep trained him for naps. (Which is why I actually can write again!)

• Leila became obsessed with Peter Pan, sleeps in her big girl bed with no issues (phew), and is showing more interest in her brother.

• I am less than 5 lbs away from my pre-Carson weight.

• The kids met their first "real" cousin, Jaxon, and I got to see my youngest sister embracing and enjoying motherhood.

• I started drinking white wine. (Wait..what?! Who am I?)

Cheers to catching up and finally getting the hang of things again!

Six weeks later {Postpartum life}

If you could see the half-folded laundry on the couch or the dishes in the sink, this would be the perfect photo describing our life the past six weeks. 

Toddler meltdown. Smiling baby.

Someone is always crying, fussing, or whining (this includes the adults). Toys and baby gear are scattered about. Chores are half finished. The television is on the Disney Jr. channel. Someone is eating. Always.

It's crazy. At times the crazy drives me crazy. Other times I can go with the flow and not stress out. Wine helps. Getting out of the house helps. Knowing that "this too shall pass" helps.

I am excited to go back to work and to begin an exercise routine. I have my 6 week postpartum check-up tomorrow and my maternity leave is officially over on Tuesday. I am ready to slowly get my body back, wear regular clothes, do my hair and make-up, and spend time fueling my passion for teaching. 

I'll be training for a 5K, using the well-known Couch to 5K program, for a fun run this July. I know it will take time to lose the last 15 pounds (yikes!), especially when I plan to be nursing Carson as long as I possibly can. 

I also plan to BE KIND to myself and not hate on my body during this process. This is it. No more kids. No rush to get back into shape before the next baby. My plan is to go back to my healthy and active lifestyle, whatever that may look like with all the new changes in my life.

You bet I am still wearing maternity pant! My pooch is way worse without the panel sucking me in.

Six weeks later...

• I am still sweating at night.
• My deodorant is no longer doing it's job during the day either, but Jeff''s is.
• I am starving but having trouble finding time to eat, grocery shop, and prepare meals.
• My hair is always in a pony-tail.
• I've had one pedicure.
• I am not nearly as tired as I thought I would be (despite the tired look on my face in the picture).
• And the laundry still doesn't do itself.
• Carson has only peed on me once but in his own face twice.
• We leave the house daily.
• I love rocking my baby to sleep.
• I STILL need a new blog name.

I should have expected...

I expected to remember everything about the newborn and postpartum stage. It's true, I was completely sleep deprived during this stage with Leila and time has a funny ways of erasing the not-so-great memories from our minds. 

But still, I should have expected... 

• Blow-out poops in the middle of the night.
• Postpartum night sweats that leave me feeling hot, freezing, and soaking wet at the same time.
• Nursing a newborn to start to feel a little like Groundhog day...over and over again.
• A roller coaster of emotions to hit me at any time without any warning.
• Clothing not to feel or look right on my shrinking belly and growing breasts.
• Random, meaningless cries and grunts coming from Carson to wake (and worry) me at night.
• Getting out of the house would take twice as long as it use to.
• To feel a little lost in the chaos and lack of routine.
• Changing a diaper on a wiggly newborn would take two people.
• All the laundry.

What else did I forget about this crazy stage? Please warn me before it's too late!

Potty-training vs. Diapers: A mom's perspective

It's been three weeks since our big potty-training day.  It seems like it's been much longer than that. Keeping that in mind, things don't seem so bad. Yes... she's had accidents, sometimes refuses to use the toilet, says she has to go just to see how I will react, and is still learning.

Learning takes time and experiences.  She'll get there and one day it will be easier on us all.  It better!  Because right now there are times I wish she was still in diapers.

Diapers are easier.  Leila could go quite some time without needing a diaper change.  No need to interrupt her play or activity.  No bribes needed.  She rarely pooped on the go, which made diapers not-so-messy.  I carried three diapers and some wipes with ease.  Life was simpler with diapers, but that doesn't mean we made the wrong decision to teach her how to use the toilet. 

Learning to use the toilet involves going in the wet beach and park public bathrooms. Messy. Gross. Stinky. It means lugging around a folding toilet seat so she doesn't fall in or touch the germs, carrying extra clothes and septic-safe wipes (in addition to the multi-purpose baby wipes).  Teaching Leila to use the bathroom requires patience, time, encouragement, and consistency...none of which are bad things.  

Life before potty training was less complicated.  Really though, life before Leila was less complicated in general.  And I'm perfectly okay with that! 

It's never too late {Changing behaviors}

I use to be so proud that when I asked Leila to sit and eat her snack, she would, just like that.  She would sit down anywhere even for just for a taste of something.

Somewhere, somehow, things changed.  

Now when we go to the park she runs around, snack in hand, like she didn't hear my request, like she doesn't know the rule.  When I do enforce the rule (I do try!) she melts down, runs in circles, and practically chokes on the food in her mouth.

It's frustrating.  It's unsafe.  It's a constant battle.  

The topic of snacks came up with my friend Lauren last week.  She was wondering if Leila could eat trail mix for snack.  I explained that even though Leila has all of her teeth, I do not give her nuts because I am afraid she'll choke on them while she runs around with her food.

Lauren was surprised that Leila hadn't been sitting to eat her snack anymore.  I admitted to becoming soft and down right scared of her meltdowns when I tried to enforce the rule.

As soon as I said those words aloud, I felt embarrassed.  Embarrassed that I let my almost two year old scare me and ashamed that I was willing to risk her safety because of it.

I've had enough!  

Immediately I began implementing "snack-training" with Leila.  (You know, kinda like sleep training, but with snacks.)  I knew the first few attempts would be down right brutal.  And they were.

Leila went into a full fledged tantrum on the floor, kicking, crying, turning red in the face, the whole deal, just because I asked her to sit and drink her smoothie. The second attempt had a similar outcome (in public this time) BUT by the third day of "snack-training" she complied.  Just like that.

I learned two valuable lessons.

1.  It's never to late to make changes in undesirable, or in this case, unsafe habits.

2.  It's okay to to make mistakes or slip up (this one's for me!) as a parent.  I am constantly learning about myself as a parent.  I am a work in progress.

Ever been in a similar situation?  Tell me I'm not alone here.

     

Ready or not, here we go...again {It's a BABY!}

Surprise!

The words I said to Jeff at 7 am the morning I took a pregnancy test were more like, "Don't kill me for waking you...but I'm pregnant."

After whipping the pregnancy test at his pillow, I am pretty sure I started crying.

He responded with "Seriously?!  This is good, right?!"

My blank stare and tear streaked cheeks made him question everything, rightfully so.  I cannot hide my emotions no matter how hard I try and this was NOT at all what I expected...

Sure, I had been napping during the day, puking, only eating carbs, and not able to cook anything for dinner the past few days.  But being pregnant did not cross my mind.  I couldn't be pregnant!  I just had my "period" and had been drinking all vacation long. 

I expected to start trying to conceive baby #2 as soon as I came home from our summer trip to Chicago.  I expected it to take a while, since I am officially of advanced maternal age now.  I expected to have a baby next summer.  I expected things to go according to my plan.

“Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans" -John Lennon

So here we are 12 weeks into pregnancy #2, happy (nauseous, tired, and still a little bit in denial) as can be.

My plans were just that...plans.  My real life is way better than anything I could have planned!

It will be March 13th before we know it, right?!  

Leila is convinced she has a baby in her belly too.

I'm here, I like it, and that's alright.

Last month I shared how I became a stay-at-home mom. I lost my job, and until recently I had a difficult time accepting my new role. Or at least that's what I thought.

Last week I got a message letting me know that I need to remove all my stuff from my classroom. They'll be needing the space this fall.  It's final...and it sure feels that way.

I'm a mess when it comes to my emotions. Anxiety is high, tears have been shed, feelings of anger and resentment resurface.  I miss my friends. I miss teaching. I miss the old Jen.

I'm surprised I feel this way because I do not want to work right now.  I really though I was over this!  I like being home with toddler Leila.  I know this is a once in a lifetime opportunity, literally.  I like my stay-at-home mom lifestyle.  I like the new Jen.

I am on a different path, headed in a different direction, than I pictured for myself, and that's alright.

It's okay to be glad that I'm not working.

It is perfectly fine to be a stay-at-home mom, and not love it or hate it.

It's okay to be happy.

Mom-ish

Almost two years into motherhood, I can firmly say that having a child changes things. (Even the little things!)

But you already knew that.

I have to go to bed early so I can keep up with my toddler's energy. I wipe boogers with my sleeve. I get a hangover from two (very large) glasses of wine. I wear a ponytail seven days a week. I never leave the house without baby wipes. I schedule my day around nap time. I sing in public, loudly.

Expected changes, right?

What I didn't expect was NOT changing how I see myself.

I expected to see myself as I see other moms.  Mom-ish. Whether it be frazzled or put together, in yoga pants or heels, they all seem like moms.

Surprisingly, I don't see myself as mom-ish even though I clearly am.

I am stuck somewhere between my perception of what a mom is and what I am...just me!



Mom-ish: Ponytail, comfortable shoes, little make-up, causal clothes, child

Writing this ensures my words will come back to haunt me in years (or months) when I am feeling like nothing else but mom-ish.


Have you become mom-ish?  Or, like me, were you maybe a little mom-ish to begin with?


Linking up again this week with Melissa over at Growing up Geeky.

How I got here

If you have been here awhile, you know that I consider myself a temporary stay-at-home-mom.

I never planned on staying home when I became a mom. My teaching career allowed me to work 180 days out of the year AND be home around 4pm. Sounded to me like a perfect way to do the all the things I love.

Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans. -John Lennon

Going back to work after my maternity was the toughest thing I ever had to do.

Not because I didn't want to leave my child, I was excited to go back to teaching. I was desperate to get some structure back into my life after three blurry months of newborn filled days. (You know the drill...eat, sleep, poop, cry. Never in the same order, yet always the same.)

Those six months of teaching were rough on me. I felt guilty leaving Leila and loving the young children in my class. Guilty that I arrived at school ten minutes before class started, and guilty that I rushed home right after school was over.

Ashamed that I still hadn't lost all the baby weight, I spent my afternoons pushing Leila in the stroller while my anxious mind raced with all of the things I thought I should be doing (washing pump parts, bottles, packing my lunch, lesson planning, cleaning house, changing the sheets, going grocery shopping, making dinner...)

I felt like I was giving 110% but no one was reaping the benefits.

I was running on empty.

I learned I would be laid off (for real that year) due to budget cuts and increased class size in a meeting I was, of course, late to. I sat in the back of the room sobbing, wondering if I could take more changes in my life. At the same time, I was relieved it was almost over and afraid I would fail at being a stay-at-home-mom.

This June I will be celebrating one year of being a stay-at-home-mom to my little Leila.

Sure, this new role has had it's challenges. I have struggled with my new identity, making mom-friends, finding a routine that works for us, and feelings of uncertainty when it comes to my teaching career.

These personal struggles, although not resolved, have changed me. They have shed light onto what's important to me.

Family. Friends. Love. Balance. ME!

Life can be difficult when you have a plans. It can be great when you realize you can change them.

Motherhood changes everything

If I have learned one thing about motherhood, it would be that it changes your life completely.



This is certainly not my "ah-ha" moment. (I had that waaaay back when I was a dysfunctional zombie mom.) These days I've been noticing the little ways my life has changed since becoming a momma.

Did you know...

• I don't get to blast the music in the bathroom and sing while I shower because it might wake Leila from her nap.

• I plan my outfit for the day with extreme care not to show my butt while playing with Leila on the floor.

• It's air conditioning over rolling the windows down on nice days (a.k.a. everyday).

• I rarely get the last bite of food on my plate.

• And, my plants do just fine without water.

Did you know...None of these things really ever mattered to me, I'm alright without them. My shower singing is pretty pathetic anyways. And now, when I do get to roll down the windows, I suck in as much fresh air as my lungs can handle.

Now and then {Stroller Edition}

Now

Leila hasn't fallen asleep in her stroller for at least ten months. Last week she passed out during my morning run.


Then

I could hardly keep her awake at one month old.

Now and then {Bathtub edition}

Now
January 2012


Then
September 2010

Toddler Sleep

This girl loves her bed.


Maybe it's the eight pacifiers, the abundance of stuffed animals, or that she can access a shelf full of bed appropriate books and toys that keeps her happy there. I am not complaining. Not one single bit.

I was a little obsessive about her sleep and my lack of it, the first four months of Leila's life. Looking back I am sure it was just the normal newborn stage, but sleeping no more than three hours in a row makes a Momma crazy. So I set out to read every book possible about sleep, schedules, and routines. I read Secrets of the Baby Whisperer, Healthy Sleep Habits Healthy Child, Solve your Child's Sleep Problems, and The No-Cry Sleep Solution. All great and very informative books. I even got Grandma to read them! We took a little bit from each book and made a plan (that's the teacher in us).

It was getting way too difficult to rock or bounce her to sleep then lay her gently into the pack-n-play. As soon as I would put her down, I bolted to the door in hopes she wouldn't see me if she opened her eyes. Not very effective. My maternity leave was over so my mom was willing to help Leila learn to self-soothe for nap time. It took less than a week and she was napping like a champ. She has been an all-star napper ever since!

At seven months old I was able to put Leila down for the night around 7:00 am and wouldn't hear from her again until 7:00 pm. Lucky number 7!

So here we are, almost nine months later and Leila still takes two killer TWO HOUR naps...

...until yesterday.

Jeff had to abort the second nap after listening to her talk, sing, and eventually whine for an hour.

I have been dreading this transition since she turned a year old. She has shown signs that she's ready to ditch a nap and today I decided to deliberately try it. I like schedules and routines, and if you ever met Leila you'd know she must like them too. She's the happiest baby I've ever met!

The time has come. The time is now. Time for a new plan.

New Year, New Plan

This is not your typical New Year's Resolution post. I cannot wrap my head around what life will bring this next year.

To make a goal or resolution for an entire year seems foolish and is a waste of my time (and yours too!) This year I am going to challenge myself one small goal at a time.

I started the holiday season with one simple goal: To maintain my weight during the season of over-indulgence. 
To reach my goal, I challenged myself to cut out alcohol (yes, that means wine too) during the week. I am thrilled to report that I weighed myself today and...SUCCESS!  I didn't gain a pound over the holidays!

So, that's how I plan to roll all year long.
One challenge at a time. 
One success leading to another. 
One ultimate goal: Lose this baby weight.

Life will bring me challenges everyday but this is about ME. I will be challenging myself to ensure this is a year to remember!





Happy New Year!

Happy New Year...finally!

I've never been more excited to ring in the new year.

Leila and me 2012

It has been three times now that I have said that 2010 was the most difficult year of my life. Each time I said it I was reminded that last year was actually 2011. Yep, that is proof that I have already blocked it out.

Last year will forever be the year of change.

Leila and me 2011

Change is good, but not always as it is happening.

I went from maternity leave, to being a nursing working mother, to becoming an unemployed stay-at-home mom.

I went from hating my postpartum body to accepting that it is a work in progress.

I went from feeling in control to losing it more often than not.

I started the year with a baby but ended it with a toddler.

I went from thinking I had it all together to knowing it's okay that I don't.

I have changed. Jeff has changed. We have changed. Change is good. It's not easy, but definitely worth it.

I have more to say!

When I discovered I was pregnant I learned blogging was the best way to share our life with our friends and family living across the country. Some friends of ours (and Leila's future in-laws if I have anything to say about it!) started writing a blog and I thought their idea was genius.

At the time, I had no idea that this whole blogosphere even existed. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Betsy, my real life bff from Betsylife, started blogging around the same time and has really taught me a lot.

Now read a ton of blogs. I love mom blogs, organizing blogs, food blogs, coupon blogs, fitness blogs, lifestyle blogs, crafty blogs, daddy blogs... I do not discriminate. Do you have a blog? I probably read it.

As I blogged about my pregnancy I discovered my love of writing. I found my voice. I realized I was writing a story, one really long story, about our life. Reading old posts makes me so happy. Happy that I can relive my pregnancy and Leila's first year of life!

Then it dawned on me, although it may be Leilaland, I am NOT just along for the ride. I have something more to say! It's my blog and I'll write what I want to, write what I want to, write what I want to...(Are you singing this? You should be. I am.)

I will still be writing about Leila. But I am planning to include more posts about things I do and love.

Everyone has a story. I hope you enjoy mine!




I cannot remember the last time I posted a picture of just me!

Change

I finally love staying at home. I've been quite a flip-flopper on this topic this past year. One day I feel the urge to teach, to have routine, to make a difference, and the next day I realize I AM doing that.

Three days later I am dying to get out of yoga pants and a ponytail.

I never expected to like staying home. And I didn't...at first. My maternity leave was hectic. No more than three hours of sleep in a row for four months makes a Momma crazy. When I went back to teaching in January it was wonderfully terrible. I couldn't help but wonder if getting my final pink slip in June was the universe trying to tell me something, again.

This second chance at staying at home with Leila has been not-even-close to perfect, but it has changed me. Changed how I picture myself, how I picture our future.

I like what I see.